walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
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Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Living the best life.. 😊
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.