I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
You Might Also Like
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.