happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
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Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Waiting for the Charmin
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet