I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
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Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”