Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
You Might Also Like
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?