Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
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Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.