idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
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“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that