My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
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My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Mood.. 😂
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials