If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
You Might Also Like
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.