cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
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thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap