I think the cat got the dog high.
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“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Breaking news:
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
When they try to steal your moment.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.