As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
All food is good if you spell it wrong
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes