Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Found the job I’m suited for
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine