It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
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I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.