Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
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19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
‘I know a black person’
– White people
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it