I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
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So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Strangers have the best candy.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.