We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
You Might Also Like
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three