You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
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I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
this chia pet tastes awful
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST