[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
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When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
where the womens at?
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.