me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
You Might Also Like
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m going to need a moment here.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?