Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”