I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
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March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.