Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera