Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
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When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
my proudest tweet
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.