I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.