Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
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KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
mood
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.