Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
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Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes