[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
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PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
it is time once again
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
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The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I enjoy a good short stor
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
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