“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
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[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
BETRAYAL
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.