This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
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[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.