Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
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My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
We decided to have money instead of children.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.