Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
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The Purge: Valentine’s Day
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
How do you like your Corgi?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
#parenting
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens