Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
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Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
he chose this
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”