My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
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It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL