Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”