*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
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Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man