My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
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My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
lol
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.