Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
You Might Also Like
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.