Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
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Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.