Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
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I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.