My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
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My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”