Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Bro what is this
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Dance like you’re not the father
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.