People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
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friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Mistakes were made
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*