relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
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I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”