My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
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My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.