“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!