Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
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Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?