Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
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Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day