Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.