I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
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Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.